At Loss for a Title

Loved ones come and as a grown up I know eventually they will go.  Well I changed my mind on this whole grown up thing.  I want to be to greedy & just keep them forever.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of the loved ones we lost.  Losing Rob's mom when the kids were so young.  None of them were really quite old enough to grasp the whole concept.  And being that she was sick most of their lives, just maybe that soften the blow.  But don't get me wrong, devestating none the less.  And if she didn't do anything in life, she loved her grandbabies!

It hard for me to come to the realization that today has been 3 years since my Daddy left this earth.  I know he is with me everyday, I carry him in my mind & heart.  But to recap that the last 48 hrs of his life has been a little hard.  I don't regret spending them by his side and would change having been there with him for the world.  But I have to live with that memory forever.  It just gives be chills to know exactly what I was doing at each moment for the last two days exactly 3 yrs ago.  It was a early Sunday AM.  I knew he had been suffering and we were there trying to keep him here for our satisfaction for our fulfillment.  I got some advice from a very kind hospice lady who told me that "Sometimes you just have to tell them that its OK to let go.  Tell your Dad that he has suffered enough and it his time." I can not remember her name for the life of me, but I will never forget her face, her voice, or her words of comfort.  That early Sunday AM after a very long night with no sleep.  Around 4AM I told my Dad that is was OK to let go.  That I knew he was hurting & as much as it would hurt me to have to let go I could not bear to see him suffer any longer.  I kissed him and told my Mom to go & lay down beside him and try to rest.  I also told her that I just knew he would not be here when we woke.  She knew, I know she knew.  With my Mom laying beside him holding his hand, his dog right by his side and me looking on he took his last breaths.  I knew he was gone, numb to the fact that it was real and some since of relief he was no longer suffering.  I play those last days over & over and think if there was anything I could have changed, any more I could have done.  I think I will forever rethink & second guess everything.  I do know he loved me, my husband, my kids, all his kids & grandkids with all his heart.  He always showed us affection and always told us he loved us.  He made sure of that.  His memories will live with me forever.  I am greatful for every moment I had with him & every memory my children have of him.  I think as the years go on, I will never forget but maybe the ache with be taken over completley with love & memories.

And now we have to deal with our 1st Christmas without my other Dad (Rob's Dad), my Dad none the less. He had been a big part of our lives, especially since Rob's Mom had passed away.  It sucks, for a lack of better words, it really sucks.  I hate it for my kids, I hate is for Rob, & I hate it for my Mom.  But with that said life MUST go on.  We have to be strong for them & comfort them during this time.  They are taking it pretty hard this year, not leaving much time for me to vent, so Ill put it here, and let it rest.  Hoping that putting it in black & white will give me a little since of relief.  Today will be hard but we will get through it together as a family.

A CF Punch in the Face (& heart)

So this happened on Friday Night & I am just now finding the guts to let it out.

I got my real 1st dose of "No you can't do that, you have CF" Firday Night.  I have NEVER let CF define my son or any of our lives.  I have let him do WHATEVER he has ever wanted (maybe some things I shouldnt have, cause he is a rotten butt) But I have NEVER said no you can't do that because of CF.  Well I personally didnt tell him he couldnt do something but because of his G Tube placement this summer the Drs told him NO football.  A direct hit to the stomach with a helmet or shoulder could dislodge his tube & that would be a HOT MESS, like for real.  He acted like he didnt care & he said he really didnt want to play anyhow.  I didnt let it bother me to much, I knew we would find other things for him to do that didnt invlove a helmet to the stomach.  But as the season started and his brothers began to play & could tell it began to bother him.  When the other kids at school would wear there jerseys or talk about Sats game, I could tell he was really missing it.  When I took him to practice & he sat on the side & watched the kids his age practicing I could see the sadness in his eyes.  As a mom it totally broke my heart.  Well Friday night was the BIG stinger.  We went to Robbie's Varsity Game.  A bunch of kids his age were behind the bleachers in the grass playing football.  He asked if he could go over.  I said sure, being I stood right there.  I was excited he was going out to try & make friends.   He ran around and played and was having such a great time.  They were just tossing the ball back & forth. Then they decided they had enough kids to play some touch ball.  Well we all know how "Touch" ball turns out with a bunch of football boys.  Adam was hiking the ball and the kids were telling him how great he did & asking him why he didnt play.  He shrugged his shoulders & said "I just didnt want to".  I could see the sadness on his face & it totally broke my heart.  No way was he gonna tell the kids about his CF.  Not when he was fitting in & nobody knew the wiser.  Then the contact started.  Adam running the ball and the kids grabing him around the waist.  Hitting & pulling on his tube.  He told the kids not to grab him around his waste over & over.  I could tell he was getting so frustrated but no way was he gonna tell them "Hey don't grab me there I have a G Tube".  He was grumpy on the ride home as I was sad & heart broken over the events of the night.  When we got home his stomach was really red & sore.  He says "Dont worry Mom, it don't hurt. I wanted to play"  It broke my heart to see that CF had stoped him from playing football this year.  And even though he said he didnt care he REALLY did want to play and he really DOES miss it.  Just a real slap in the face.  How is CF going to limit him as he get older & older.  What will be next?  I dont have to anwers, God knows I wish I did.  I wish everyday I could just trade places with him.  He is so much stronger than I could ever hope to be.  CF is going to keep bringing it & we are just gonna have to be ready.... GAME ON!

Losing A Pet

We lost our 1st family pet on Sunday.  Jake had been a part of our family almost as long as we have been a family.  Robbie picked him from a litter when he was not even quite 2.  Jake would have been 14 in December.  Although we knew this day was coming and he had his ups & downs these past few months, it hit hard.  Like a ton of bricks hard.  I have had pets growing up and lost them, but somehow Jake was diffrent.  Of course I was sad when I lost those other pets but Jake has left a huge hole in our lives & hearts.  Maybe it hurts more becuase I am a Mom.  And as a Mom I know I deeply Robbie misses his dog, his compainion, his room mate.  This is a "Adventure in Motherhood" I was not quite ready to take.  Although I dont think at any time would I have been ready.  Jake was a wild spirit.  He has frankly been a pain in the butt for 14yrs.  From eating furniture to toys.  Always getting into the trash cans, eating Robbies parakeet.  Chewing the thrmostat wire on our AC Unit 3 times.  I could go on.  But I would do it all over in a heart beat to see the bond that Robbie & Jake formed.  I just didnt know that it would hurt so much to see him go.  He lived a good life and we took care of him & he always watched over us.  Loosing a pet is like loosing family and if you dont feel that way, maybe you should rethink being a pet owner.  It much more devestaing & painful than I EVER thought imaginable.  RIP Jake 12/6/09 - 8/12/12. You were a good ol' boy

Talk About A Stress Filled Week

We had a lot going on this week.  Form All-Star Games to our sick Huskey to having Adam's surgery lingering in out minds all week.  Stress is nothing new to me & I think if I do say so myslef I tend to handle it pretty well.  With each stressful situation we learn a little about our selves and about our family.

In All-Stars this week, i learned you cant win them all.  Although I knew this, it had to be relearned this week.  Justin played well and in my book hes still my All Star.

With Jake (our 13 yr old Huskey) I have learned that the realization with loosing your first family pet is going to be tramatic no matter how prepared you are.  And just when you think you have prepared yourself the little guy finds his 2nd whilm.  He may just surprise us yet.

Adam was such a trooper for his surgery.  He is as strong as I would ever hope to be.  He rocked it out like a champ and could care less that he now has a extra hole in his stomach and is appendix free.  Hopefully with this surgery we are goign to be able to keep him healthier & knock some of these hospital stays out.  And of course our main goal to keep him out of pain.

I almost forgot, we also sent Robbie of to PA for Wrestling camp.  He has NEVER spent more than a few nights away from us.  He will be gone for 8 days with another wrestler & his wrestling coach.  I miss him like crazy and its a little stressful knowing his 8 hrs away & I cant just go running to him if he needs me but you have to let them sprout thier wings at some point.  I think I am doing good compared to Rob... LOL

Through this week I have learned I cansurvive under pressure & full plate.  Our family as a unit is strong and we have lots of love & support.  Form Grandparents, to aunts & uncles, & a mass load of friends.  Thanks to everyone who made this week a little easier.

We are Blessed!

Obsticales

Obsticals we will over come.  Life throws them in our path all the time.  There never is a good or right time for them but they dont bother to ask anyhow, they just SHOW UP.

We have been thrown some this past week & some that we have to deal with in weeks ahead.  We are overwhelemed, unsure, & honestly just plain freaking out.  I know our chocies... we really dont have any.  But we will get threw this as a family.

I dont think people realize how many couples with "sick" kids stay together as a couple.  They blame each other; really dont see the point in that.  If they are like me, I blame myself enough.  They argue, they fight.  They cant handles the pressure of having to deal the hand that life gave them.  We do our good share of arguing and we do our share of melt downs.  We are not always on the same page, we just try.  That is all that we can do, and I think we do a pretty damn good job if you ask me.

Obsticales are put in your path to try you.  Either you can let it or you can beat it.  Its funny how much a 8 year old can teach you about life, courage, & the strength to never give up.  I could only wish to bethat strong.  I hope I never disapoint him.

If you look up courage & strength in the Dictonary they should insert a pic of this amazing strong kid in there.  I know I have said it before, but he is truely my hero.

Decsions

Desisions


I love being a Mom.  Yeah at one point in my life I wanted to go t college & a be a physical therapist and being a Mom was no where on my "want to do list".  Life changes in a second your future is never written in stone.  The day found out I was going to be a Mommy I realized this.  Some people balance motherhood & carrers but that is not what was cut out for me.  Believe me I tried it.  Not everyone can have the blessing to be a stay at home mom but I am lucky that I have that stability in my life that my Husband creates for his family.


Staying home allows be to pick the kids up from school when they are sick, snuggle at home and not have a care in the world when I am wrapped up in a Disney with them.  These are the days I will never get back and the ones I hope they look back on I see that I had time for them.


Being a Mom is not always a Disney Movie though.  You are the Mom, the fixer of all things broken, the finder of all things lost, and to go to for all crisis matter.  For recent example turnining your sons security blanket pink is a major crisis!!  You also have to  make descisions EVERYDAY. Whats for dinner, what out fit will look best for the school pics, Did Adam wear the right shoes he needed for gym class, Did Robbie remember to take his typed English paper, Did I remeber to gel Justin's fuaxhawk before he left, did I get all Rob;s paper work sent in.  Some are big, some are small.  At the end of the day your family relies on you to make big & little decision that will effect thier day, thier week, maybe even their life.


Sometimes I make wrong decisions.  I think we are all guilty of that.  Little ones that don't matter right up to the BIG ... OMG's!  I try, & that is all I hope anyone expects from me.


My friends know the struggles that I am going through and the decisions that me and Rob are going to have to be making as parents.  We just want to do what is best for all involved and especially for whom is affected.  I doubt myself sometimes but I think that is normal.  We will get it ... I am keeping faith in that.

Life is Full of Choices... you just have to make the the decisons that are right for you and yours and not compare yourelf to others.

Father's Day

Great, tomorrows Father's Day!  Don't get me wrong...its awesome to celebrate the fathers that have made us the people we are today.  Unfortunatley we are going to be missing 2 very important ones.  This will be my 2nd Fathers Day without my Dad & our 1st without Rob's.  We will try to focus on the times we had & the memories they gave us but it will be hard...Very Hard.

My Dad was Awesome.  I think we were so much a like we couldnt stand it at times.  I loved him more than life & I tried right till the very end to keep him here as long as I could.  I have so many memories.  He was a good dad.  I was never short on love, hugs, & kisses.  He loved my kids & he loved my husband...maybe more than me...LOL.  He thought the world of his grandkids and I think they completed his life. He impacted each of their lives and gave them each memories they will have forever.

My Papa... my Mom's Dad died when I was very young. I think around 9 or 10.  Amazingly I have very clear memories of him.  He was always smiling & loved when we came to visit.  He would always give me, my brother, & my sister 2 Nutter Butters a piece and Mountain Dew to split.  He always hugged us & told us he loved us. The little things in life.

My Grandfather, my Dad's dad died when I was a young teenager, 13 I believe.  Although I was older I dont have very many memories of him and the ones I do are not all that great.  He was a very strick, hard working man.  He was military & after he got out of the military he became a union worker.  I respect his hard work, but I cant ever recall him telling me that he loved me.

Rob's Grandfather had been a part of my life as long as he has.  The last 17 years I have spent building a realtionship with him.  He is a strong, wise man.  He is also a man full of love & kindness.  He has worked hard in his life to be the man he is today and had earned the respect of many people along the way... including mine.  I have learned a lot from him about love, honor, & respect.  He loves his kids, his grandkids, & his great grandkids & there is nothing he wouldnt do for them.

Rob's Dad was a puzzle.  I think I had just figured him out and without warning he was taken from us.  He had a rough life and the path he chose to take in life was not always the right one but in the end he loved his kids & he loved his grandkids, he just took the long road.  My kids all learned things from him him and they all have good memories and that is important to me.

Rob is a great Dad.  He has proven a many people wrong on that note.  To all the people who said that he would never amount to anything and never be a Dad... in your face.  He does it all.  He takes them camping, fishing, bike riding, you name it, he does it.  Rob had grown up (for the most part) and he has grown in to one awesome dad.  His kids respect him (that's important) and they love him.  he had instilled the importance of education and the importance of hard work.  He has also spoiled them all into rotten brats to, but that is besides the point.  I think we did that together.