Loved ones come and as a grown up I know eventually they will go. Well I changed my mind on this whole grown up thing. I want to be to greedy & just keep them forever. Not a day goes by that I don't think of the loved ones we lost. Losing Rob's mom when the kids were so young. None of them were really quite old enough to grasp the whole concept. And being that she was sick most of their lives, just maybe that soften the blow. But don't get me wrong, devestating none the less. And if she didn't do anything in life, she loved her grandbabies!
It hard for me to come to the realization that today has been 3 years since my Daddy left this earth. I know he is with me everyday, I carry him in my mind & heart. But to recap that the last 48 hrs of his life has been a little hard. I don't regret spending them by his side and would change having been there with him for the world. But I have to live with that memory forever. It just gives be chills to know exactly what I was doing at each moment for the last two days exactly 3 yrs ago. It was a early Sunday AM. I knew he had been suffering and we were there trying to keep him here for our satisfaction for our fulfillment. I got some advice from a very kind hospice lady who told me that "Sometimes you just have to tell them that its OK to let go. Tell your Dad that he has suffered enough and it his time." I can not remember her name for the life of me, but I will never forget her face, her voice, or her words of comfort. That early Sunday AM after a very long night with no sleep. Around 4AM I told my Dad that is was OK to let go. That I knew he was hurting & as much as it would hurt me to have to let go I could not bear to see him suffer any longer. I kissed him and told my Mom to go & lay down beside him and try to rest. I also told her that I just knew he would not be here when we woke. She knew, I know she knew. With my Mom laying beside him holding his hand, his dog right by his side and me looking on he took his last breaths. I knew he was gone, numb to the fact that it was real and some since of relief he was no longer suffering. I play those last days over & over and think if there was anything I could have changed, any more I could have done. I think I will forever rethink & second guess everything. I do know he loved me, my husband, my kids, all his kids & grandkids with all his heart. He always showed us affection and always told us he loved us. He made sure of that. His memories will live with me forever. I am greatful for every moment I had with him & every memory my children have of him. I think as the years go on, I will never forget but maybe the ache with be taken over completley with love & memories.
And now we have to deal with our 1st Christmas without my other Dad (Rob's Dad), my Dad none the less. He had been a big part of our lives, especially since Rob's Mom had passed away. It sucks, for a lack of better words, it really sucks. I hate it for my kids, I hate is for Rob, & I hate it for my Mom. But with that said life MUST go on. We have to be strong for them & comfort them during this time. They are taking it pretty hard this year, not leaving much time for me to vent, so Ill put it here, and let it rest. Hoping that putting it in black & white will give me a little since of relief. Today will be hard but we will get through it together as a family.
